Dear Abby

Ann Landers and Dear Abby, respectively. 

Some situations require a second opinion. Big decisions, for example. Big decisions like major purchases, drastic changes to your hair color, or selecting my birthday presents – which would hopefully also fall in to the category of major purchases. On the other hand, some situations don’t require another’s opinion, as the mere fact that you think you should ask, should be answer enough. For example, if you must ask if your outfit is unflattering, or if your boyfriend is a douchebag, the answer is most likely yes. A tricky situation, however, in that these particular situations won’t always give you the most honest of answers. Obviously, we entrust friends and family in these instances, but what about someone impartial, people who do this for a living? Like Dr. Laura. Seriously, how cool would that be? To have people all across the country seeking your help. Wondering what you think. Wanting your advice. What qualifications would that require? I should find out and add that to my list of dream jobs.

Usually, when sought after for advice, it pertains to a particular outfit choice, dining option or sweet treat – regarding any of which, I’d be happy to help, and am more than qualified. Now I’m no Doctor Laura, or even a Doctor Phil, and on no planet should I be allowed to offer legitimate advice on any a range of topics. But let’s face it, neither should Doctor Phil or Doctor Laura, and that doesn’t seem to stop either one of them.  Carrie Bradshaw and I may share the same passion for Pucci, but what about the Dear Abby types? Maybe even an Ask Ann Landers – who happens to be Dear Abby’s estranged twin sister. It sounds like the only qualifications they needed were awesome pen names, a power suit and the most hair sprayed blow out known to man kind. I realize both of these examples may be a tad out dated, however I was mortified to see Kris Jenner’s advice column as a weekly feature in Life & Style Magazine. I’d prefer to stick with a classic, the old tried and true. On second thought, about Kris Jenner - something should be said of a matriarch who turned a sex tape in to an entire culture of spray-tanned dolls, wearing head to toe Bebe, with plenty of junk in the trunk, addicted to quick trim. Hmmm.

In any case, with the right pen name, a bottle of hairspray, and a pair of Manolo Blahniks, my dream jobs are currently as follows. Kardashian, Dear Abby, Carrie Bradshaw or otherwise. 

1.     Zac Efron’s Girlfriend

2.     Iron Chef America Judge

3.     Advice Columnist