Dear patrons of Coffee Bean, I'm watching you

How darling is this gingham coffee mug from Crate and Barrel? Available in blue, green, yellow and turquoise, I'll take two of each please. 

Writing this blog makes me feel a little bit like a hipster. Like I should be wearing something over priced, yet beat up and destroyed looking, from Urban Outfitters. I lounge in coffee shops all day with dirty hair and black, square framed glasses that I don’t actually need, but make me look cool. Okay, so I lied about the last part, but I do live at coffee houses. Fortunately enough, I have a Coffee Bean within walking distance from my loft. Though only one employee ever remembers my name, I think I’m pretty close to becoming a regular, a title more commonly reserved for the neighborhood coffee aficionados and caffeinated stay at home moms. And I, my friend, am neither. One thing I can say, I am a people-watcher. Some may say eavesdropper, and I wouldn’t necessarily disagree, but what better place to do so than a coffee shop? Nowhere. Unable to actually participate, or interject in conversations as people don’t typically enjoy that, I’d like to share a few frustrations with you.  Dear patrons of Coffee Bean, I am watching you.  

To the woman offering a shot of espresso to the actual barista making her drink – This is not a bar. It’s not like you buy a shot of tequila for the bartender to enjoy alongside you and your pals. Speaking of, does anybody actually do that? Other than in movies? I haven’t. Am I rude?

To the people obviously having an affair, trying to enjoy their coffee discretely – I know what you’re doing. For future reference, conversations about how your wife found out, the jealous girls at the gym who ratted you out, and how this is the first white girl you’ve dated, kiiiiiind of give you away, and should be off limits for the general public to over hear.

To my neighbor sitting behind me, clearly staring at my computer screen – Did your mother ever teach you it’s not polite to stare? Yes, I have been plugging my face into different celebrity hairstyles on instyle.com for nearly an hour, what’s it to you? I’m just trying to switch things up over here. Valuable lesson – Victoria Beckham’s oh so posh a-line cut only elongates an already long nose.

To the cracked out homeless man shouting “FBI! FBI!” and telling everybody on the streets to get down – I fear it’s too late for you, my friend.