Okay, friends. So The Bachelor ended last night. Ben
obviously didn’t hear me screaming through my television, and despite everyone’s advice, he proposed to
Courtney as I cried into a glass of red wine and stuffed my face with chocolate
covered pretzels. Oh, such is love.
I
must confess, I knew Ben picked Courtney long ago. And yeah, she was a
nightmare, but let’s be honest, Lindzi had some red flags too. You guys, her
only serious boyfriend broke up with her via text message. A text message that
read Welcome to Dumpsville. Population
YOU. Now, I don’t know this ex-boyfriend personally, but maybe he was on to
something. And I hate to remind you, but her second serious boyfriend broke up
with her on national television while she was expecting a proposal. So Lindzi,
as history has shown and you’ll most likely be the next bachelorette, I have
some advice for you. A heinous trashbag dress reminiscent of the black swan
doesn’t exactly scream ASK ME TO MARRY
YOU. And please to do not wait until what could potentially be one of the
most incredible days of your life ever to try out a new hairstyle. Those two
factors alone could have been your demise. And you guys, as Ben was kicking her
to the curb she told him to call her if
things don’t work out… I can’t even. I’m sure Ben and his center part are
very happy with their choice.
I
must confess, I knew Ben picked Courtney long ago. And yeah, she was a
nightmare, but let’s be honest, Lindzi had some red flags too. You guys, her
only serious boyfriend broke up with her via text message. A text message that
read Welcome to Dumpsville. Population
YOU. Now, I don’t know this ex-boyfriend personally, but maybe he was on to
something. And I hate to remind you, but her second serious boyfriend broke up
with her on national television while she was expecting a proposal. So Lindzi,
as history has shown and you’ll most likely be the next bachelorette, I have
some advice for you. A heinous trashbag dress reminiscent of the black swan
doesn’t exactly scream ASK ME TO MARRY
YOU. And please to do not wait until what could potentially be one of the
most incredible days of your life ever to try out a new hairstyle. Those two
factors alone could have been your demise. And you guys, as Ben was kicking her
to the curb she told him to call her if
things don’t work out… I can’t even. I’m sure Ben and his center part are
very happy with their choice.
In all seriousness, I really think I missed the boat this
season. Ben is a winemaker from Sonoma. I am a wine drinker from Napa. Come on!
But really, I’m kind of a Bachelor casting director’s dream. I fall in love in
about 2.43 seconds. Parents are obsessed with me. I have zero commitment to my
current job and a current passport. I’m a blast at cocktail parties. I have a great family. I drink
champagne. I pretend to love adventure and athletic activities. I love a good cat fight. I have a killer eye roll. And most
importantly, I’ve already purchased every rose ceremony dress I could ever
possibly need for at least 17 seasons of The Bachelor. I’m not saying I’d receive the
final rose, but I just hope I’d last long enough to score a segment on Good Day
LA. Or at least a spot as a contestant on Bachelor Pad.
Shoot. I hope I didn’t just completely ruin any chance of being cast for
next season. How well do castings directors research anyways? Probably not that
well. I mean, we all remember Bentley.
bahahahha!
ReplyDeleteI could not believe it when she said, "If things don't work out call me." She was serious about it, too. WTF. No girl under any circumstances ever should ever say that to a guy that is dumping her. EVER!