It’s crazy to think I’ve lived in Los Angeles for over two
and half years. It’s even crazier to think until a few weeks ago, I had never
been The Getty Villa. It’s embarrassing, I know. In an attempt to become more
acclimated with our surroundings, more cultured, more angeleno, Austin and I headed up the coast to the villa to see what
all the hype was about. On second thought, I’m thinking we may have cemented
ourselves as tourists, because obviously everyone in LA is too cool. They always
mean to check it out, but Malibu is
just so far, and they never make it
out to the West Side, but if you were
to ask, it’s totally awesome. Well, I
live on the West Side. And I’m a nerd. So I have no excuse.
Just to be clear, I said I was a nerd – and not a geek. That
in no way qualifies me in any capacity to be mature enough to appreciate such
ancient history. So naturally, Austin and I pretended we weren’t in a museum,
but a showroom, and that these ancient Greek and Roman artifacts were for sale. Like The Getty Villa was Ikea. We picked out pottery for the house. Ordered glassware and dishes in sets of 8.
Neglected the pieces plated in gold because they were just too gaudy, and not quite our style, and argued over which color pallets complemented the livingroom. But the real fun started when
we came to a room of jewelry. A security guard caught on to our game and
offered us a 10% discount on anything we purchased that day if we paid in cash.
Well played security guard, well played. After chuckling a bit, the security
guard – who smelled just like an old library book – leaned in, as if to tell us
a secret. Intrigued, we got closer – thus, how I’m able to tell you of his aroma
with certainty. He said, in his most raspy and secretive museum security guard
voice, exit the exhibit and travel out
the doors counter clockwise, passing two other exhibits and a staircase. Do not
take the staircase. Instead, use the elevator and travel up to the third floor.
Upon exiting, you will see double doors to your left. The doors will not open
on their own, no matter how hard you try. Find the gold square button to the
right of double doors and press to open, revealing a balcony that has not been
open to the public in decades. The balcony will you give you the most
incredible views of the garden, all the way to the ocean. But do not tell
anyone I told you.
You guys, this is not even a joke. I love secrets. My eyes
were seriously glowing with every detail. This was some serious National Treasure business and I, my
friends, was Nicolas Cage. I’m not even kidding. I had a mission. I was focused. And I was ready to
go. Riding in the elevator, I was seriously giddy. Why didn’t anyone else know
about this secret? Why did the security guard choose to bestow this information
upon us? I didn’t care. Emerging from the elevator, it became clear. Obviously he told us to take the elevator, because who wants to climb three flights of stairs? Oh, we
found the double doors, alright. And that magical gold square button? Yeah,
that was the handicap button to automatically open the doors. And the secret
patio we were in search of? Yeahhh, that was filled with people, all posing for
pictures, who somehow all
miraculously found this place as well. I was duped. In a big way. Like this old
man, who smells of old books and trickery, probably laughed the whole way home.
He probably told his wife about it. And his dog. Maybe he even wrote about it
in his diary, I don’t know. But he got me good. It’s cool though. I mean, the
view was pretty incredible. Have you seen it? If the picture above isn't enough, you should check it out. And tell the security guard I sent you.
I couldn't help but think that fountain in the center resembled someone familiar.
