Pins and Needles

some may say i have a low tolerance for pain

I feel like the second the leaves start to change – it’s go go go nonstop until they start to bloom again. I mean seriously, it’s like Halloween*, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all happen before I can even catch my breath. I’m usually not a big fan of the winter months – I look like a drowned rat in the rain and I absolutely loathe being cold. But this year, I’m totally embracing it. So much so, that it’s exhausting.

Feeling a bit rundown, I decided to head to an acupuncture clinic. I know. But it’s Los Angeles after all, so give me a break. And I saw it on Groupon. Okay, and maybe I’m not the biggest fan of regular medicine. Not like modern medicine in general or anything like that, just that I don’t necessarily like taking DayQuil, you know? So I threw on some fringed boots and an organic cotton top, grabbed a kale juice and headed to The Emperor’s College in Santa Monica. Sometimes even I can’t believe how ridiculous I am.

I have this very serious condition I’ve diagnosed as I freak out in any kind of medical situation and hold my breath, thus causing my pulse and blood pressure to go totally bonkers syndrome. I don’t know if the medical community recognizes it yet. I think it has something to do with the way doctors give you verbal feedback so you know they’re listening, without either confirming or denying your very serious concerns. Saying hmm interesting when I tell you I’m afraid my arm will need to be amputated due to excessive pain in my right pinky finger does not put me at ease, doctors of the world.

After some poking and prodding and a lot of deep breaths, my medical intern told me I had low blood sugar, my kidneys were stressed, and my liver function was low. I believe this is what the medical community would call a Hot Mess, as the result of a Long Weekend. So I reclined on the tables and held my breath. Needles were pricked, for lack of a better term, in my big toes, the tops of my feet, sides of my shin, thumbs, hands, wrists, earlobes, and one in the very center of my forehead – for relaxation, obviously. And I’m happy to say it worked. My thumbs kind of swelled and my right big toe is still tingling, but I think it worked. After a short liver detox with herbs like milk thistle and something called Yin Qiao San I’m feeling better than ever. Yeah, I don’t know what the last one is either, but the doctor prescribed it to me so it must be good, right? Right.

*speaking of Halloween, did I ever show you my costume? We were Toddlers in Tiaras. Not photographed are our white ruffle socks and tule skirts. I mean.