Okay, so I guess this is where I have a confession. Yeah
sure, I love the Olympics. I’ve had a girl crush on Dominique Moceano and The
Magnificent 7 since the third grade. And we all cried when Michelle Kwon was
denied the gold in her last Olympic games. But if I’m being completely honest,
I just really love swimming. I don’t even know why. I barely doggie paddle. I
don’t even get my hair wet at pool parties. Okay, mayyybe I know why. Maybe it
has to do with my fish of a boyfriend, Michael Phelps. I said it. Boyfriend. We
had a moment back in 2005, so yeah, I’d say things are getting pretty serious. Fresh
off his Olympic success in Athens, Michael Phelps and a couple of other swimmers
who’s names I can’t remember toured around America visiting swim clubs and
inspiring the future generation of swimming super stars. Obviously, I needed to
be there? I can’t even write this without LOLing at the sheer hilarity of the
situation. Playing hooky from school, my mom, a friend, and I camped out in
lawn chairs in the freezing cold at the crack of dawn, 100 miles from home, waiting
for a prime spot around the pool to see the guys swim a couple of laps and a chance
to schmooze our way in to the meet and greet. Successful on both accounts. The
things I do for love, I swear. They swam, we cheered. Some old pedophile mom
asked how they felt about older women. They blushed. I asked how they felt
about younger women and they blushed more. Then we fell in love. And then he became
the greatest, most decorated, sexiest Olympian
in history. And I couldn’t be prouder. So you could imagine how I upset I was the
past week when everyone was bagging on him. Saying he wasn’t as prepared as he
should be, wasn’t as fast as he used to be. Ryan Lochte this, and Ryan Lochte
that and blah blah blah. I don’t know if you guys realize, but Michael Phelps
could not give less fcks. I mean, did you see his mugshot official athlete badge photo? He said he
“just woke up from a nap.” Sure. He’s retiring. And he’s retiring as like the
greatest Olympian. Probably forever and always. Now, even if he really doesn’t
want to retire, like say he has a change of heart or something, he has to.
Everyone has made such a stink about this really not being the end and whatever.
And he’s so adamant about it, he can never go back. He probably can’t even swim
at pool parties. Poor guy. I feel so bad for him. And his estimated 45 million dollar
net worth. And his real life model girlfriend.
So with my boyfriend leaving the sport for good, I guess
we’re all stoked on Ryan Lochte now? Who in my humble opinion had a poor
showing at these Olympic games. I really don’t know why we’re all so excited
about him all of the sudden. Are we forgetting that he’s been around the whole
time? I guess it just goes to show you that a new hair cut and a douchebag
personality really make all the difference, and can basically get you anywhere
in life. You guys, he wears American flag, jewel encrusted grills. And not even in a joking way. He’s serious. His own mom even
thinks he’s a douche. She told the Today Show that her precious son is only
interested in one night stands because he doesn’t have time for real relationships.
I don’t know whether to purchase a ticket to London immediately, or throw up in
my mouth. Confession – it’s probably the first one, but I’d never admit that
out of embarrassment and respect to my mom and the entire female population. Our
boy Ryan even told ESPN that he was looking forward to these games more so than
the last because in Beijing, he had a girlfriend. Seriously? I can’t even. Side
note – the Olympic Village is stocked with 100,000 condoms. I mean this is the
XXX Summer Olympic Games…
So if Ryan Lochte is the future of swimming, I think we’re
in trouble. My thoughts? Two words. Nathan Adrian.
So with the games coming to a close, I'm hitting the gym to perfect my ribbon dance. Rhythmic Gymnastics, Rio 2016. You guys, this is happening.
