It’s crazy to think I’ve lived in Los Angeles for over two and half years. It’s even crazier to think until a few weeks ago, I had never been The Getty Villa. It’s embarrassing, I know. In an attempt to become more acclimated with our surroundings, more cultured, more angeleno, Austin and I headed up the coast to the villa to see what all the hype was about. On second thought, I’m thinking we may have cemented ourselves as tourists, because obviously everyone in LA is too cool. They always mean to check it out, but Malibu is just so far, and they never make it out to the West Side, but if you were to ask, it’s totally awesome. Well, I live on the West Side. And I’m a nerd. So I have no excuse.
Just to be clear, I said I was a nerd – and not a geek. That in no way qualifies me in any capacity to be mature enough to appreciate such ancient history. So naturally, Austin and I pretended we weren’t in a museum, but a showroom, and that these ancient Greek and Roman artifacts were for sale. Like The Getty Villa was Ikea. We picked out pottery for the house. Ordered glassware and dishes in sets of 8. Neglected the pieces plated in gold because they were just too gaudy, and not quite our style, and argued over which color pallets complemented the livingroom. But the real fun started when we came to a room of jewelry. A security guard caught on to our game and offered us a 10% discount on anything we purchased that day if we paid in cash. Well played security guard, well played. After chuckling a bit, the security guard – who smelled just like an old library book – leaned in, as if to tell us a secret. Intrigued, we got closer – thus, how I’m able to tell you of his aroma with certainty. He said, in his most raspy and secretive museum security guard voice, exit the exhibit and travel out the doors counter clockwise, passing two other exhibits and a staircase. Do not take the staircase. Instead, use the elevator and travel up to the third floor. Upon exiting, you will see double doors to your left. The doors will not open on their own, no matter how hard you try. Find the gold square button to the right of double doors and press to open, revealing a balcony that has not been open to the public in decades. The balcony will you give you the most incredible views of the garden, all the way to the ocean. But do not tell anyone I told you.
You guys, this is not even a joke. I love secrets. My eyes were seriously glowing with every detail. This was some serious National Treasure business and I, my friends, was Nicolas Cage. I’m not even kidding. I had a mission. I was focused. And I was ready to go. Riding in the elevator, I was seriously giddy. Why didn’t anyone else know about this secret? Why did the security guard choose to bestow this information upon us? I didn’t care. Emerging from the elevator, it became clear. Obviously he told us to take the elevator, because who wants to climb three flights of stairs? Oh, we found the double doors, alright. And that magical gold square button? Yeah, that was the handicap button to automatically open the doors. And the secret patio we were in search of? Yeahhh, that was filled with people, all posing for pictures, who somehow all miraculously found this place as well. I was duped. In a big way. Like this old man, who smells of old books and trickery, probably laughed the whole way home. He probably told his wife about it. And his dog. Maybe he even wrote about it in his diary, I don’t know. But he got me good. It’s cool though. I mean, the view was pretty incredible. Have you seen it? If the picture above isn't enough, you should check it out. And tell the security guard I sent you.
I couldn't help but think that fountain in the center resembled someone familiar.